


The Murder Mystery

by Bolt_DMC



Category: Bolt (2008)
Genre: Dark Comedy, Literature, Movie Reference, Murder Mystery, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-06
Updated: 2019-09-06
Packaged: 2020-09-28 12:27:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20425970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bolt_DMC/pseuds/Bolt_DMC
Summary: Somebody has murdered the prima donna Director from "Bolt" and everyone's a suspect. There's no butler to blame, so it could be anybody. The full cast has been called to the soundstage, and Penny needs to sort things out. So, whodunit? Primary cultural references to classic murder mystery authors such as Arthur Conan Doyle, Agatha Christie, and Dashiell Hammett, as well as the film "Double Indemnity" and the TV show "The Simpsons."





	The Murder Mystery

**Author's Note:**

> Timeline: November 2009.
> 
> For Ryan M.

1.

"I suspect you’re all wondering why I called you here today." Penny looked out at the moderate sized group gathered on the soundstage where the "Bolt" TV show was filmed. Among those present were Penny’s mom; Penny’s ex-agent; Penny’s replacement on the show; Mindy from the network; Malcolm, the actor who played Dr. Calico; Sean, the actor who played Penny’s dad; Randy, the actor who played Calico’s thug; various crew and minor cast members; and Bolt, Mittens, and Rhino, as well as the various current animal actors such as Diedrich the lead cat, and Bolt’s replacement whom everyone called Junior.

"As you may know," Penny continued, "James, the show’s longtime director died several weeks ago under mysterious circumstances. You should know that it may have been… " she paused for dramatic effect, "…murder." She pulled out a calabash pipe, though unexpectedly it emitted soap bubbles instead of tobacco vapors when she tried smoking it.

2.

"How did this happen?" gasped Mindy from the network.

"You hadn't heard? He fell onto a letter opener," rumbled Randy ominously.

Malcolm put his chin in his hands and said perhaps a little too theatrically, "That's not necessarily so suspicious, is it? He could have tripped, fallen onto his desk, and impaled himself."

"A fair observation," offered Sean cautiously. "Except… he was headed into the laundry room at the time."

Penny’s ex-agent nodded, and purred in an overly oily voice, "Yes, yes, yes -- I can see that being… suspicious. Who keeps a letter opener next to the fabric softener, anyway?"

All concurred with this observation.

"What I heard," said Penny’s mom, "was that there was a length of rope entangling his feet. He was either horribly clumsy or someone tripped him."

"Gosh, what a terrible way to go!" shuddered Penny’s replacement.

Penny had only been half-listening to this exchange. She had gotten out a magnifying glass, and after a look through it (which made her eye seem as big as a billiard ball) had been using it to direct sunlight from a nearby window, all the better to fry several unsuspecting ants scuttling by. "I've been tasked," she said finally, "with trying to figure out who the killer is."

3.

"Hmmph -- well, don't look at me," scoffed Malcolm. "It's no secret I wasn't one of James’s biggest fans, but… I have an alibi. Sean, weren't we reading rewrite lines for that next day's show?"

Sean blanched. He hadn't had much use for James either. He then said, "Yes -- yes, that's right, I remember now. There were a few… changes made to the script, and we were rehearsing."

"Can't be," countered Mindy from the network, who was shaking her head. She was also no fan of James’s approach, which had cost the network millions needlessly. "When has there ever been a rewrite in the history of this show? In fact, the dialogue gets constantly recycled. Am I wrong here? Besides, I thought I saw Sean getting his hair all poofed and gelled up that afternoon."

"Oh -- now I remember," corrected Malcolm. "I was at the same barber that afternoon myself."

"Riiight," Sean acquiesced finally. "You must have been under that big cloud of hairspray I remember seeing at the time."

"Well, where were you?" Randy asked the cantankerous TV executive. "I don't remember you being on the set… Mindy from the network. You were gone all afternoon, I'm pretty sure."

It was Mindy from the network's turn to squirm uncomfortably. "If you must know, I was… sitting with a sick friend. Yes -- yes, that's what it was."

"Ah -- and would his name be… Penny’s ex-agent?" grinned Malcolm. "What would his wife have to say about that, eh?"

"Now, now, wait… wait just a minute," stammered Penny’s ex-agent. "We’re just… just… good friends. For heaven’s sake, I have a wife, a daughter, a baseball glove… "

Penny was paying little attention to this. She disinterestedly pulled out a Sherlock Holmes-style deerstalker hat, though was thoroughly surprised to see a small rack of antlers atop it.

4.

"As for me, I suspect the girl," said Penny’s ex-agent.

"Me?" asked Penny. "You’re joking, right?"

"No, no -- not you. Your replacement. I thought I heard her say if he ran her through one more risky scooter scene there’d be heckfire to pay," mused Penny’s ex-agent.

Penny’s replacement shifted uncomfortably. "Look, I -- I was just upset when I said that, okay? I didn't mean it, honest! Besides, I was on the set at the time. Junior will vouch for me."

The replacement Bolt frowned and cocked his head quizzically. He wasn't likely to be much of an alibi for her.

"Besides, where were you?" Penny’s replacement asked Randy. "I don't remember seeing you around the lot anywhere. And didn't you have a complaint about screen time with James?"

Randy fidgeted. She was right, after all. "No -- no -- I've got an alibi too. I was having lunch with the studio head, discussing a starring role in a new show. I wasn't going to be on ‘Bolt’ much longer if it came through. So really, I didn't have a motive, either."

"Well, that leads us right back to where we started, doesn’t it," sighed Penny. "And it looks like everyone either has an alibi or no motive. We’re going in circles here. Unless… " She looked long and hard at the little group of animals. "No, no, it couldn't be," she said, "It -- it just couldn't… "

5.

"Yes -- yes it could. It was me. I did it," said a grouchy voice no one recognized (and not surprisingly, given that no human had ever heard him speak before). It was Bolt. He had a snarl on his lips and his eyes looked like pure murder. "James made my life hell -- cooping me up in that tiny trailer for five long years to satisfy his warped method acting vision. He kept me from living life the way I should have. Five long, miserable years it was, too." He began to laugh manically, sounding for all the world like Sideshow Bob from "The Simpsons" on an especially angry jag. He quickly composed himself, wiped the smile from his muzzle, and growled, "But I couldn't have done it alone. I had help, and plenty of it. I knew none of the other animals on set liked him, either. Diedrich, Junior, Puffy Cat, even Rhino and Mittens -- we were all in on it."

Junior spoke up now. "They tried to blame me for almost killing Penny -- and you too, Bolt -- in the studio fire. It... it was an accident. I was scared -- scared out of my mind when those costumed people started after me. It wasn't my fault -- it wasn't my fault!" he sobbed. "They expected far, far too much of me… "

"Brother dog, I don't blame you. You didn't know any better," said Bolt trying to reassure his sad look-alike. "James was the one who was loudest to condemn you. I'd be angry at him as well."

Diedrich chimed in. "He was a slave driver. Much as I teased you, Bolt, we all knew who the real enemy was. Him and his perfectionism -- and at what cost?"

"Yeah -- yeah," said Puffy Cat. "At what cost? He deserved what he got."

"How... how did you manage it?" stammered Penny nervously.

"Simple, really," explained Junior. "We called first to make sure he was home. Bolt and I brought the rope over while the cats distracted him, making a huge crashing sound in the laundry room. There were clothes, laundry detergent, and fabric softener everywhere. A real mess, let me tell you. But not as messy as things would become."

It was Diedrich’s turn to contribute. "I got the letter opener and placed it blade up on the floor, just about 5 foot 10-and-a-half inches from where the dogs had the rope strung. Piece of cake, really."

"Yeah -- yeah," said Puffy Cat. "You should've seen it. Blood, murder, mayhem -- it was quite the sight."

Mittens nodded. "Haven't seen such a mess since Penny’s room. Seriously, do you ever clean it?"

"But it was Bolt’s bey-awesome idea to take out the life insurance policy on James," said Rhino. "Talk about sheer, unadulterated genius!"

"Have to admit, I'm proud of that little angle," Bolt concurred with a smirk. "We took out a $3 million dollar accidental death insurance policy -- double indemnity, no less -- from Pacific All-Risk Insurance Company on him. And boy, did we ever collect. They still don't know what went wrong."

Junior grinned knowingly. "That’ll buy a lot of Yorkie and Pomeranian stripper lap dances, no question."

"Yes, no doubt the cash will come in handy in our new life together," laughed Diedrich. "Or haven't you heard? We’re making our escape with that money to a huge estate on… "

"Lake Rogaguado? You’re headed there, I presume?" Penny asked.

"Nah -- nah -- that's the first place they’d look," corrected Puffy Cat. "We’re headed to Dog Lake, near Salt Lake City. No one would ever think to look for us there."

"And now," Bolt snarled with a defiant look. "I'm afraid we've said far too much already. Sadly, we can't allow any of you to live. We simply can't afford to have our cover blown. Rhino, get the helicopter and have it ready. Mittens, Diedrich, Puffy Cat -- take the money and wait for us."

The humans began edging towards the studio doors only to find them blocked. Bolt and Junior turned and stared hard at them. Laser beams shot from their eyes, reducing each person in turn to a small pile of ash and cinders. "Oh -- we didn't tell you -- we really were genetically altered, at least as far as heat vision is concerned, anyway," said Junior.

Penny suddenly didn't feel much like Sherlock Holmes or Hercule Poirot or Nick Charles anymore. Or Miss Marple, for that matter. "Me too, Bolt? Has it really come to this?" the dispirited girl murmured.

"You want me to take care of her for you?" asked Junior.

"No -- no. This is something only I can handle. I can’t bear to leave her to someone else," said Bolt sadly. "Penny, I’m truly sorry to have to do this… "

The girl saw two scorching beams flash from Bolt’s eyes. Her beloved pet -- she couldn’t believe it -- was really going to kill her. She expected to encounter a high-pitched whirring sound, but was surprised instead to hear a low, buzzing roar…

6.

Penny sat up suddenly in bed, drenched in sweat. The source of the low, buzzing roar immediately became apparent. Bolt lay on Penny’s bed on his back, snoring like a muffler-less motorcycle.

The girl looked at the dog and laughed. "Sheesh -- I guess he does have at least one superpower -- waking the dead." She rolled the little shepherd on his side and he quieted immediately.

Penny then shivered. "Ohhhhh -- what a nightmare! Meat lover’s pizza with anchovies and jalapenos just before bedtime? What was I thinking?" She turned over and slowly drifted off to sleep, all the while murmuring, "Please. No more dreams tonight, okay…?"


End file.
